>This may sound a little funny but I have both this blog and a journal where I write with pencil and paper.  I’m not very consistent about writing in either one but I am learning to enjoy it more and more.  Right now I have started an entry in my paper journal and then logged on here to write more.  Strange, isn’t it?  Usually the subjects in the two journals are a little different, they overlap in that they both address what is going on in my spiritual life as well as what I am physically doing.  My blog just has a missions slant more often.  Today I think the subjects will end up being much more alike than they usually are.

Some days I doubt myself.  Most days I doubt myself.  I doubt quite often that my faith is really what it should be, some days I am convinced that I am not where I should be in my walk with Christ.  I struggle with whether or not I am obedient enough to God’s call in my life.  My friends tell me they believe I am a strong Christian woman, that they see evidence of deep faith in my life.  My small group leader always compliments my knowledge of the Bible, especially the New Testament.  But knowledge and actions are not enough.  What matters is what is deep down in my heart, what matters is how much I love the Lord, my God, and how obedient I am to Him.  And this is where I fear I fall short. 

Intellectually I know that this is just Satan whispering in my ear.  I know he wants me to be insecure and to doubt my salvation.  But sometimes it grips me and shakes me and won’t let me go.  He preys on my feelings of inadequacy and my insecurities.  He sends little tendrils of thoughts into my head that ask, “Why does God love me?  What makes me worthy of such an awesome gift?”  I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make me worthy of God’s gift of His redemptive grace.  I know He loves me just because He does.  I know I have not had a successful relationship since my divorce because I don’t feel as if I deserve one.  I question the sanity of any man who would want to get involved with me.  I see myself as damaged goods, no matter that the Lord sees me as perfect.  The Lord made me the way I am with intention and purpose.  There is a reason, that reason is for my good and the good of those in my life.  I may never fully comprehend that or those reasons but that does not mean it does not exist. 

In his message yesterday evening Pastor Brad was talking about prayer.  The verses were Matthew 6:5-8.  He asked some questions that I had never thought of before.  He asked, “Do you ever tell God something He doesn’t know?”  He also asked, “Do our prayers ever change God’s mind?’  Brad also wanted to know, “Is it the prayer that is working or is it God working?”  He also made reference to people who use prayer to instruct others within earshot.  “Dear Lord, please bring my son a nice girl, not like that one he’s currently dating!”  LOL  (That’s not my prayer, that’s the example Brad used.  I like Jen.)

So, if God already knows everything and we can’t change His mind and we really know our prayers will not have any effect on whatever it is that we are praying about, then why pray at all?  Why did Jesus tell us to pray?  Why did He teach us in the manner which we are to pray?  Do you want the answer to those questions?  Go to Lakesidechurch.com and listen to Brad’s message.  He can say it so much better than I can.  Okay, okay, here’s a synopsis.  We pray not because “prayer changes things” but because prayer changes us.  It brings us into conversation with God and it lets us know that we trust Him with the secrets in our heart.  God loves it when we express to Him our wants, needs and desires.  Yes, He already knows them but He wants us to express them to Him.  So from here on out I am going to attempt to use the blog and my written journal in a different manner.  I am going to attempt to make them both prayers to my Lord and Savior, prayers from the deep recesses of my soul.  We shall see how sucessful I am.


About Go Send or Disobey

John Piper said it succiently... "Go, send, or disobey." This is my journey along path to be a missionary of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
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